Jeff's Journal

LJ seems so uninteresting these days now that I'm not an emotional and hormonal trainwreck. Most bad things have either been winding down or have stopped completely. I haven't got a whole lot of things to worry about, and because of it, I hardly have the urge to let out big rantings or criticisms about a whole lot of things. Slow walkers continues to be a constant source of torment for me, though. I better fucking hope my future job keeps me on my feet, because I seem to be significantly better than everybody else at it.

My girl problems, or at least with Kayla, have been over for...I don't know...several months now. Occasionally I just go back and think about it, though, and how awesome it is that I'm not kept up by the pain in my chest or skipping meals because I'd suddenly lose my appetite. Yeah, I was pretty fucked up. I'd like to think I'm not so much anymore. Girls suck.

One thing that unfortunately hasn't patched up is the relationship with my brother Kevin. Parents will always say, "Oh, don't worry about it. You'll love your brother in a few years." I think it was a few years since I started hating my brother to the extent that I do now, and it certainly hasn't gotten any better. It's selfish of me to say so, but it pisses me off to no end that me, the youngest of the both of us, has to make sure everything goes through nicely. I'm the baby. Shouldn't I be the stupid one who people have to go out of their way to please? All this bullshit should be over by now. I've figured out my act, Kevin. You're behind by 3 years.

It seems like whenever he's around (thank fucking god for college), there's always something going wrong. At dinner, there are always arguments being started over the dumbest shit ever. I remember one particular time when I came home and I had gotten Jamba Juice for no reason other than the fact that I just wanted some fucking Jamba Juice. I come home and I say, "Hey mom, I got Jamba Juice for the first time. It's pretty good." Then Kevin comes in and it's already set in stone that there's going to be some sort of conflict. He says, "YOU KNOW, JAMBA JUICE REALLY ISN'T THAT HEALTHY." "I know. I didn't get it to be healthy. It tastes good." Good, good, I may have saved myself from him this time. "Well, you know, Jamba Juice is really expensive. It isn't worth the money." Guess not. "Yeah, I didn't pay for it. Someone else did." Amazingly enough he actually stopped arguing after that, which is probably some sort of world record.

Anyway YEAHHhhhhhhhh I'm not going to go on forever about stupid shit like my brother being a retard, but just wow. The guy comes home from college where apparently he's hot shit, so I guess he feels the need to flaunt it here at home. The only problem is that, you know, everyone else in my family is smart too. Too bad, huh? There's usually a point at which I could prove someone wrong in these stupid little arguments during dinner or just around the house, but I'd rather not cause any more shit with people than I already have. I have no problem with him ignoring me, because more often than not, it's his NOT ignoring me that pisses me off.

Personally, though, things are good. Lame as it sounds, I'm trying to go out of my way to be a more personable, likable guy. I guess you could call it a bit of an experiement, but also because it's no fun to be some quiet downer all the time. I'd have to say, though, that the experiment has been a success so far. Though I do get in an occasional "fuck people" mood. But hey, I enjoy my quiet time. Who doesn't?

They recently re-implemented the Red Zone at school, and for those of you who don't go to North (I don't anybody actually reads this anymore, lol), it's just a way to get a bunch of retards to stop loitering around in the hallways. In the Red Zone, you have to keep moving. No sitting in place and talking. Which, personally, I'm AMAZINGLY happy about. Like I mentioned before, slow walkers are a constant source of stress for me, so when people just stop fucking walking altogether, I'm about ready to start killing myself or something. There's something special about these kids who used to sit around the Red Zone, though. They're loud, obnoxious, and rude. They spill food and drinks all over, they shout in your face and shove you around the halls, treat girls like garbage and break out in fights all the time. Can you guess who they are yet? Yeah, they're black kids.

First thing I feel the need to say is that I'm not racist. I've got plenty of friends from all sorts of different races. That's one of the big problem these days, if you ask me. A lot of people will be walking around the halls and I'll hear something like, "Those fucking black kids. They're so annoying." Those PARTICULAR fucking black kids are annoying, yes, but one thing that sets me off is the fact that it seems like these black kids act like they're representative of the entire black race. It's like if you went to a mostly black school, where there were a few white kids, and all those white kids except for a few loved Nascar and were right-wing nutjobs. And then all those Nascar loving white people did a bunch of stupid shit causing people to think that all white people are Nascar loving retards who do stupid shit ALL THE TIME. That's exactly how it is.

It's not the color of people's skin that I've got a problem with. I couldn't care less if you were white, black, purple, or green.

Actually, I take that back. Fuck purple people.

Anyway, seriously. It's the whole "black" culture, or according to these days, the whole ghetto, gangsta bullshit that I'm forced to come into contact with on a daily basis that pisses me off. I don't remember feeling like this two years ago, or even one year ago. Things are happening, there's some sort of black culture movement spawning stupidity all over the place. Most often times, cultural movements are good. Take for instance the Harlem Renaissance. It was a time of creative activity and flowering of African American art, literature, music and culture in the United States. The "spiritual coming of age" best described the Harlem Renaissance because African Americans could now express their heritage and stand up for what they believed. This helped them not only become identified by white Americans, but helped them identify themselves. Even the more recent movement with MLK and the whole rediscovery of Islam had some sort of social and spiritual significance behind it all. Hell, I could even argue that a lot of the early rappers acted as a sort of inspirational role model and helped voice out the lives of Urban Black Youth. These days, though, it just seems like all of the respect that they worked hard to obtain is just being thrown out the fucking window. It's unbelievable, really. I can't begin to imagine what MLK would think if he came back to life. Actually, wasn't that a Boondocks episode? I dunno. Either way, it's no longer about freeing themselves from oppression or artistic expression or anything. It's just showing off their bling, talking about how much money they have, talking about their hoes and their grills and their rims and god damn it's all just so STUPID.

Today during gym in the fitness center a rap song came on and it was just this guy saying, "THIS IS WHY I'M HOT, THIS IS WHY I'M HOT,THIS IS WHY I'M HOT,THIS IS WHY I'M HOT," and by the end of the song I just wanted to shout, "WOW FUCKING DIE OF CANCER YOU TALENTLESS WASTE OF LIFE." There's no expression in that. It has no meaning. It's just some idiot saying, "That's why I'm hot!" What makes you hot? Your bling, your grills, your sweet ride? Fuck you. You're giving a respected group of people a terrible name and you're giving me a headache while doing it. Honestly, I want to know at what point in time people stopped wanting to succeed, to get out of the ghetto and build a family and live as respected individuals. These days those are considered "white guy ideals." Gee, maybe it's just me, but isn't it the American philosophy to work hard and have success? Apparently not anymore. For a while I thought there was hope, with influential black people like Barack Obama, until people started saying stuff like, "Is Barack Obama black enough?" What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Is Obama supposed to walk out in gold chains and be like, "SUP MAH NIGGAZ, AHM RUNNIN FOR PREZ YO, SO YOU BETTA VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL BEAT YA CRACKA ASS." Are black people not allowed to be smart, respectable citizens anymore? Apparently not. And if that's the case, then awesome, we've managed to land back where we were in the god damn Civil War era.

Retarded. So, so retarded.

One last thing: .hack//G.U. 2 needs to hurry the fuck up. I'm tired of shitty games.

Good night, my fan(s)! (AKA Jkun, lol)

One thing I never really understood is why some people hate Valentines day so much. Kids say stuff like, "Whoop de doo, it's Valentines day, I hate my life so much today." and sulk about it all the time, or talk about how Valentines day is their least favorite day of the entire year. But why? What's so bad about Valentines day?

Everybody I talk to, for some reason, feels as if Valentines is a day constructed to make everybody feel bad about themselves. As if someone somewhere had it out for them and thought it would be an awesome idea for everybody out there without a boy/girlfriend to hate their lives because of the fact. But really, are people's spirits so weak that a day that "celebrates love" can make them feel so depressed?

I find it pretty silly that these people are so insecure to the point where fucking Valentines day can make someone depressed to the extent where it brings their whole day down. I hear people in the halls or at lunch talking about how bad of a day it was because the guy next to him has a rose or the girl next to her got a chocolate heart. Who cares? Honestly. If you need chocolate hearts or roses in order to make you feel good about yourself then you need to suck it up or get slapped in the face. It's the same thing with the types of guys who need to have a girlfriend ALL THE TIME. I'm so frustrated with all the kids around me being like, "My girlfriend dumped me! I need a new one!!!" or people who keep their boyfriend around, despite him being an asshole, just because of the fact that you have someone else to love you, rather than you loving yourself, which really should be the case. Whatever void or gaping hole inside of you when you don't have a girlfriend or when you don't get a $5 chocolate to eat either needs to be filled by my fist, or by you not being an idiot.

People who have so much dependence on other people, be it through something as simple as a piece of candy or something (not) complex like a high school relationships, need to learn that you're not going to survive for a minute until you get comfortable with yourself. Stop being insecure, stop looking at other people and saying, "Man, I wish I had (blank)." If you can't get right down to it and start to like yourself then no amount of stupid cards, candy, or especially stupid girls will please you.

Once you make it to that point, then congratulations. Buy yourself a teddy bear and some chocolate.

Happy Valentines Day? I guess it depends. ('-`)d

First day back to school. Already hating it. I could post about my day and it would be totally uninteresting. So, therefore, I'm going to write about today AS IT REALLY WAS.

( Really fucking long story, you should thank me for doing this. )

Hey guys what's up, not telling you anything about my life because I hate you all.

Instead, a meme about New Years which was 7 days ago, when nobody even cares about memes in the first place. Ohohoho.

( For those of you that want to skip over this entry... )

It was painful to read all of J's retarded answers to this meme while making it awesome enough for myself. <3

Here's another mini-entry of mine.

New layout, I don't love it, but it's a nice change. I'll spruce it up later when it's not 3:45 AM on a school night.

My life pretty weird at the moment. I'm really not sure what to think of it, so I just try to avoid doing so. Expect an entry in the near future when I have time to pay attention to myself.

Before I go, though, I have to at least vent ONE thing. I hate it when companies or commercials or websites or whatever make really short sentences with a period at the end as a failed attempt at making themselves look sophisticated or smart. I could make a company and make millions of dollars because people are total retards who are willing to shell out their money for two letter sentences with big bold letters, because spelling things wrong and having bad grammar is a bold statement of your individuality and proves to the world that you don't conform to the American standards of actually SPELLING THINGS RIGHT and USING CORRECT GRAMMAR. Let's say I start a coffee shop or something, and my cups say this.

buy your coffee.
sit down.
enjoy.

There seems to be something very stylish about sentence fragments and lack of capitalization. I don't even know why I go to school, because improper grammar apparently makes you a fucking millionaire.

Not particularly the same case, but I really hate Burger King cups and boxes and wrappings and all of that. The cups have like, an entire essay on how you can have your drink however you want it. I'm pretty sure it says something like, "maybe you want ice. maybe you don't. maybe you want to mix your drink with a friend. maybe you want to stick this straw in your throat and die." No fucking duh. You're a goddamn cup. You hold fucking liquids. Don't tell me what I can do with you, I learned that years ago. Maybe I won't mix anything! Maybe I won't use ice OR no ice! MAYBE I'LL DO SOMETHING MY BURGER KING CUP DOESN'T APPROVE OF! O NOEZ

One last thing, actually. I hate it when people end a question with a period. Hey what's up. How's it going. How's life. Hey man what's the homework tonight. Are you going to finish that piece of cake.

Deep down inside I don't actually hate any of these things. I actually love them, because without them, I wouldn't be so awesome. If there weren't people and things out there that weren't retarded, then everybody would be like me. Where's the fun in that?

Just kidding. Nobody is perfect.

Unless...

Okay. G'night!

DISGAEA 2 OWNS MY SOUL AND THE UNIVERSE

Hiya. Haven't made an entry in ages. I'M SURE NONE OF YOU MISSED ME ANYWAY!!!!!11

OK! Well, summer is winding down and although I'm rather disappointed about it, I'm half excited about school. Summer is a bit too...individual (for lack of better words I'M SO STUPID) for me, it always seems like I'm given so much free time that I never use it well, resulting in me becoming some strange, nocturnal, lazy hermit thing. The fact that school gives me a predictable scedule and things to accomplish so I don't always have a strange feeling of, "Oh I could be doing this or that or this", makes it something to look forward to. Homework is lousy, yeah. Most of the kids are annoying, yes. But hey...the lousy kids give me an opportunity to further prove how awesome I am, and the homework...well...the homework is pretty shit, yeah.

That aside, most likely contrary to public belief, I've actually been getting things accomplished this summer. In fact, that's a bit of an understatement.

I'm sure it's no news to anybody that I'm not exactly the happiest, most joyful guy ever. A bit of a drama queen at times, getting myself into situations where I make myself miserable, digging myself holes that I can't manage to get myself out of. It all may have seemed routine to you and I that it was just how I was going to be. I always thought of myself as some guy who just had troubles and couldn't manage to figure them out. It took me years to figure out I actually had the potential to get up and do something about it. I then told myself that I would use this summer as an opportunity to change myself.

First off, swim team. I joined varsity swim team as a freshman because I had felt I had an obligation to keep going with the sport. Refer to this post:

http://forzedelmale.livejournal.com/71167.html

for details. Anyway. Bad idea. Though lately I had been missing the feeling of the water, how good it feels to get an exercise, what it's like to be swimming again, all of the good stuff...but I'd just shove away those thoughts thinking it was just me being stupid and that I really didn't want to go back. But more and more I kept thinking about it and how missed it all, even if it had made me miserable. So I thought, what the fuck, it's only a few months. Went to the pool and signed up for swim team with Kyle.

For the first time in nearly 6 years I joined swim team because I wanted to, and for the first time in nearly 6 years I actually enjoyed it. It really does show you how much attitude influences someone; life is so much easier if you're doing things that make you happy. If you have choices, make them. Don't do things because you feel obligated to do it. Do what you enjoy. So that there was a big step forward.

Then a few smaller things. I'm naturally just BAD at math, and I can't remember the last time I've felt especially confident in the area, so I decided for myself that I'd take summer classes as a good way to jumpstart into the next year. So far things are going great, I'm confident and I'm doing well, and I'm thinking that this next school year may be a lot less painful on my brain and my friends (for not having to put up with me, haha).

Also, I got into AP Language, the advanced English class, so I've been doing that summer work. Although it sucks, it makes me feel good that I'm not just sitting around letting my brain melt out from my ears.

I'm sure all of you are thinking, "I don't see why all of those little things would affect you so much." I don't either, to be honest. But I've been spending a majority of my life not liking myself and hating what I'm becoming, so all of these small things add up into one large thing; me. I'm slowly taking all the thorns out of my side and becoming a person who I enjoy being.

That's not all, though. I'm going to unveil something I've never shared on LiveJournal, although a lot of my closest friends already know about this. Listen/read closely, because I'm only sharing this once.

Me, Jeff, had found himself in what he thought was love. Whether or not it actually was is beyond me, but at the time, it had seemed like I had found that girl.

It all started about a year back. I met a girl named Kayla. I really liked her, and she liked me too. We became friends right away. At first things went slow, we just talked casually as friends and hung out now and then. Then we started talking on more personal levels. She had a boyfriend at the time, a guy named Micheal, who at first seemed like a relatively laid back, likable guy, and Kayla had, at first, seemed like a cheery, happy girl. I found out more about both of them. Kayla had a rough childhood, she had been bullied and picked on as a little kid, never had parents who loved her enough to kiss her on the forehead and turn off her light before she went to bed. Spent a lot of her days without a friend in the world, and when she finally made it to High School, her one best friend was someone who was mean and abusive. To a normal person like you and I, you'd just tell them to fuck off and not give them a second chance. But to someone like Kayla who had never really experienced love or affection in any true form, the ownership friendship didn't seem like abuse to her, rather, it seemed like affection. After all, you aren't being shoved around because the person is mean, you're being shoved around because you did something wrong and they're trying to help you. Kayla had finally gotten herself away from this said friend, only to meet Micheal.

It turns out that Micheal lived a similar life. Only, instead of becoming weak and timid like Kayla, he had turned into the bully himself. Because of the fact that he hadn't had many friends or anybody to look out for him, he started to be his own friend. He become a bully in high school, picked fights and was generally cold towards everybody...so it wasn't at all surprising to me when I had found this out that they hooked up. Kayla had gotten herself back into the situation she was in with her friend...only something a lot bigger was on the line now. It wasn't her head being played by false friendship this time around...it was her heart being played by false love.

Me and Kayla kept talking and kept spending time together, until one day, (I don't know who said it first), but we eventually admitted to each other that we liked each other. Only, I was ALLOWED to like her. I had no girlfriend. I had nobody I was interested in. For her, though, she was in a relationship. I soon came to realize that the Micheal I had thought to be laid back and pretty nice was actually verbally (and probably would end up being physically) abusive. He would shout at her if she talked or hung out with other guys, he would tell her who she was and wasn't allowed to talk to...basically, he had her on a leash...so it was easy to see why when she met me, someone who genuinely cared for her and protected her, she liked me as well.

One day Kayla had to go to her moms house, away from both me and her boyfriend. She was staying in touch with both of us through AIM, talking to only us two. I was just happy I could talk to her. Mike, on the other hand, noticed that something was up. So you know what he does? He gets her personal info, logs on as her. Reads all of our conversation. Deletes me off of all her lists, blocks all ways to contact me, tells her she's never allowed to talk to me ever again. And it ended right there. We were both just...shocked, I guess. I didn't think he would have gone through so much trouble and I hadn't thought he'd be so jealous, whereas she couldn't believe the original trust was breached. After that happened, Kayla made the first GOOD choice of the relationship, and actually dumped the guy. Just dropped him. The Kayla I had thought was so weak had detached herself from the guy giving her meaning in life, and for a moment, I was really surprised. Pleasantly surprised, but surprised nonetheless.

So, what now? Me and Kayla get together! She's free, she's happy, we're together, I'm happy. Things are really great for a while. I give her the freedom she never experienced with Mike, gave her some distance, let her go experience things for herself, let her hang out with who she wanted and do what made her happy. But as time went on, she'd ask me things like, "Why don't you love me anymore?" I'd just laugh and say, "What gave you that impression? We're just as good as always." She'd just say things like, "Oh, I'm just acting stupid, just ignore me." Although I didn't exactly believe her, I didn't want to pester her about it.

One day I had to go for the weekend. So I told Kayla and we said our goodbyes, I asked her if she'd be okay on her own and she said yes, of course she would. I half believed her and half didn't, but gave her the benefit of the doubt. After all, what could I do if I'm gone? Gave her contact info if she needed it, but otherwise we wouldn't see each other for 3-4 days. I thought about her a lot when I was gone, whether or not she'd be okay, what was making her ask all those questions about me not loving her...I was just generally concerned.

I come back from the weekend and see her on AIM, she hadn't noticed I was on. I checked her profile before saying anything to her, and there in her profile I saw, "<3 Mike."

...

She got back with him. At the time, I wasn't thinking. Sent her a message. "What the fuck are you doing?" I was angry. Hell, angry is probably the understatement of the year. I was indescribable. I felt like the world had just ended, like someone went Mortal Kombat style on me, reached in my chest, pulled out my beating heart, and crushed it right in front of my eyes. Told her I was done with her, told her I never wanted to see her again, speak with her again, told her I never wanted anything to do with her.

That happened about a year ago. I thought things were over, I thought I could finally be without her. Unfortunately, ending things with hate and anger don't work so well, and make you extremely mentally unstable. Although I had told myself I had detached myself from her and that I was "done" with her, I thought about her more than ever. Not quite as affectionately, but it's not WHAT I was thinking, it's the fact that I was thinking in the first place. It went on for nearly a year before I came into contact with her.

I had thought it would be a good idea to come on good terms with her again. Forgive and forget, I guess you could call it. We had a long talk, we discussed what had happened, when it happened, why it happened, we talked about everything and nothing, and to me, it had finally seemed like things were okay again. But there was a catch. She was still with the same guy, and he still didn't want me talking to her. And with the first "ending" with Kayla being so messy, how could I expect this new beginning to work out well? I had expected it to, but it didn't.

We were "friends" for a few months after our talk. The talk was around mid June~early July (don't think it was that late), to give you an idea of how long it had been since I talked to her. But we slowly started morphing into what we were in the past. Gradually we started being affectionate again. Talking on the phone all night, staying up at crazy hours just to spend time with each other, talking for 24 hours straight on AIM or doing stuff on webcam. I wasn't thinking what was happening, because I was too happy to care. I wasn't concerned with how things would end up, because at the time, having her was enough. I don't know what would have happened if things had kept going that way. But it took two of my best friends, J and Chrissy (<3 to you guys btw), to have me get a grip on reality, to slap some sense into me, to be that metaphorical hand in front of your face that tells you to snap out of it. I had realized what was happening. I was reliving the past. Things were going nowhere fast, and unless I stopped things myself, I'd go back into becoming a miserable, heartbroken mess again.

Kayla came back from a weekend away...(funny, isn't it...things ended with me going away for a weekend the first time, and now the final ends with her coming back from a weekend away.) I had told Kayla we needed to talk. At first when I was thinking what I should say to her, "We should cut back on time spent together," or, "We should become official", or maybe another attempt of mine to try to save her from her boyfriend, to be her knight in shining armor. I'll tell all of you now...those sort of things only happen in fairy tales. It's not your duty to save someone. In life, you save yourself, you make yourself happy. Everybody is responsible for their own mental health, and only their own. How can you take care of two people if it's hard enough taking care of yourself?

Anyway, I had played with all the choices, but in the end I had realized there was only one choice that I'd be happy with. Although at first it may have seemed sad, in the end, I had known it would help me. I couldn't just cut back on time spent with her. I couldn't try to be her lover and try to save her from Micheal. My only option left was to completely separate myself from Kayla. Not lovers. Not friends. Nothing. Kayla will remain a plesant memory in my head, but nothing more than that...just a memory.

It's been a few weeks since we said our final goodbye. I don't know how she's doing, but I don't have to know. I know for myself that I'm happy and my life is so much better without the constant feeling of guilt and without having my heart constantly tossed around like a hot potato.

At the time, all the sorrow may have seemed like it wasn't worth it, and all the shit I put it up with may have seemed like it was for nothing. But looking back on it now, I'm glad it happened, and I'm happy things turned out the way they did. What I needed was closure, an ending I could live with, something that kept me walking forward instead of looking back...and I got just that. The horrible relationship with Kayla gave more more than what I lost. What I lost was a year of my life. What I gained was knowledge I can use for the rest of that said life.

All of these changes I've gone through this summer are, to me, just a small example of what I'm capable of in the future. And you know, I know I'm not perfect, but nobody is. I'm slowly changing into a guy I enjoy being, and life isn't looking so grim anymore. I'm actually really happy for once. I'd just like to say a thank you to everybody who's helped me through things. Here's to the school year ahead of me, my opportunity to prove myself to my parents, friends, teachers, and myself... and here's to the life ahead of all of us.

Cheers! lolz

After a good sleep, however, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better.

Yesterdayyyyyyyy...all my troubles seemed so far awayyyyyy...only the opposite. I'm clever, aren't I? Time for me to express some nerddom.

First off: Disgaea 2. Sexy? Yes. Very sexy. Just, like, omg. Whenever I think about Disgaea 2, the sky turns blue and the sun comes out with a big smile on his face, the grass turns green and flowers grow in my footsteps. I sing and dance as loud as I can, and I play the flute for the small children and animals on the stump in my back yard.

...so yeah, I think it's gonna be pretty good. Oh, and J, Laharl is IN THE GAME. Yeah, that's right. He's in it. When I heard that, my life was complete. It was like I was Moses and God appeared in the depth of the night and handed me the 10 commandments, only instead, a sheet that said "Laharl is indeed in Disgaea 2." I ran down to the sinning villagers below me and held up the sheet and shouted, "LAHARL IS IN DISGAEA 2!"

...so yeah, I'm pretty excited that Laharl is in Disgaea 2. Aside from that, though, I've really got nothing I'm too happy about. Life is pretty meh. School is pretty lousy. Weather has been lousy. People have been annoying. I've been tired. Two things I'm particularly annoyed about at the moment: kids who tell retarded perverted jokes, and the kids who laugh at them. I'm not going to go into detail about that, just because I'm not feeling very creative at the moment.

Been playing lots of FFXI lately. Been spending lots of time with my friends on FFXI. It's good. Real life has been bothering me lately, so it's a nice change. Sooner or later I'll want to hang out with my offline friends...only whenever I tell myself that, I either end up not enjoying myself or being a hypocrite and end up not going. Maybe I'm just trying too hard to be outgoing, or I'm just not doing the right things. Ah, well.

I made myself a new user image. Nothing big deal, just a simple image with scanlines, or whatever the hell you call them. I got 10 hours of sleep yesterday and I'm still wiped. The older I get, the awesomer sleep becomes.

I feel like I'm standing on thin ice. Hopefully I'm wrong. Haha.

P.S. I'm level 75 (max level) in FFXI WOO.

The weirdest things have been happening at school lately.

Yesterday...or two days ago, rather, seeing as it's past midnight, I forgot to bring my iPod to school. Because of that, I had nothing to listen to on the bus, so I was pretty disappointed. The last thing I wanted to do on the ride home was talk to the lamers on my bus, so I'm like, "What the hell, I'll just sit back and close my eyes."

Well, it wasn't such a good decision, because I ended up falling alseep. But hey, no big deal, right? This is a big noisy bus, there's not a chance you'd sleep more than 5 minutes. WRONG. I woke up on the bus and I'm like, "Oh, good thing I didn't oversleep past my bus stop, otherwise the busdriver whould have woken me up." I look out the window, and I'm like, "Oh. Shit." The bus driver was headed back to school.

So, of course, I try to get her attention. I don't wanna go back to school. I start waving and yell, "Hey, um, I fell asleep...I'm still on the bus..." But no luck. The bus driver didn't notice me. I made myself really easy to see, but I was at the very back of the bus, so it was probably hard to see me.

Of course at this point I'm kind of worried, so I start getting freaked out and get worried that she might be one of those creepy racist busdrivers that torture their kids in alleyways. I just sit there, all freaked out, on some bus alone. She eventually pulls over to probably check the bus for lost belongings and such, when she finally sees me. She's like, "...you're still on the bus?" I'm like, "Uh, yeah, I fell asleep...sorry..." so she drives me back home. Looks like I had nothing to worry about, but, yeah, WEIRD. These type of things only happen to me. ~_~

So that was yesterdays...or two days agos stupid story...todays is even dumber.

A few things you should know before reading:
Today is was windy as hell. When you wait for the busses, you wait outside, in a totally cramped area with tons of kids and it gets really claustrophobic and annoying. It makes me want to kill somebody. The NARCS (WOO I LOVE THE NARCS) get pissed at anybody who steps over the edge and practically buttrape you. Threaten you with referalls, ask for your ID, etc...just retarded things. And they're all grumpy old women. Ugly ones. Who smell bad.

So I step outside to the busline and get completely owned with wind. I'm like, "Wow, awesome. Wind in my face. I sure love when my hair blows around." So I walk down the steps and see that Amandas hair is as equally fucked up as mine. Sarcastically I walk up to her and act all fatherly and say, "HEY, GET THAT HAIR OUT OF YOUR FACE.", and start to move it away from her eyes. She moves backwards and half-trips over the curb, (un)luckily at the same time as a BUS IS COMING. Of course, the point of view of a moronic, smelly old woman is going to be a lot different than yours, or your friends. So she trips and the driver of the bus slams on the breaks because she scooted back so I wouldn't mess up her hair. Of course, the NARCs somehow catch this, which, by itself, would have been quite high on the suck-o-meter, but of course they had to step it up a notch.

The old woman said that I pushed her in front of the bus in attempt to kill Amanda (no lie), and asked for both of our IDs and sent us off to the Deans office. I kept on saying, "You're kidding, right?" and they're like, "You don't have to talk." So I get to the Deans office and they're like, "Okay, so who's the one who pushed the other in front of the bus?" They point at me. I'm like, "Dude, I didn't push her in front of the bus-" and then I get interrupted by, "HEY, you'll have your chance to stick up for yourself when you visit the deans."

So I had to write down all my info and I'll probably be called to the deans office tomorrow. It's not like I'm worried or anything, because I did absolutely nothing wrong. Still, though. How fucked up is that?

I'm going to try to avoid as much human contact tomorrow in order to avoid more mishaps like this. Bleh. Goodnight.

I'm feeling angsty. Note the title.

When you isolate yourself from everybody for a few months, you begin to forget about why you really just hate people in general. After I've been back in school for a weeks, it's all beginning to come back to me. Wow, it blows me away how completely moronic some people can be.

I honestly would not have a problem if somehow, everybody died. Really.

It feels a bit nostalgic. I had figured that, after not feeling this way for a while, it had just been a phase. Noooooooooooooooooooooope. Not a phase. In fact, it was the opposite. The good was a phase. It's not that I hate school, it's just that I hate a wide majority of the people there.

Something that's really been bugging me is how everybody likes to shoot down a person because of what they like. You know, if you do that, you should go fuck yourself. I hear people saying like, "Oh, that kid is GAY" (I HATE THE INSULT GAY) because he likes Green Day, or because he's emo, or whateverthefuck kids these days like to bash. You know what? If you think you and your music are so cool to the extent where you can go bashing what people like then you're no better than you make these other people out to be. I'm sure if your music artists ever met you they'd either want to castrate you because you're so completely moronic, or they'd join you in making fun of the other people/band because your music is almost as shitty as you are. In that case, people ARE allowed to shoot you down because you're a stupid asshole.

I'm also really annoyed with stupid lazy girls who think that, because their mom grounds them a lot of drinking on weekends, they have the right to go bitching anybody out. If you drink on the weekends at the age of 15~16, then you're just a fucking moron. If you mom grounds you, then it's for a good reason. Just because you break the law doesn't make you a badass. Drop the fucking attitude. Seriously. Nobody likes you. The world is better off with idiots like you, so go overdose on drugs and drink some more and get yourself killed. Maybe then your equally stupid friends will stop with their equally stupid addictions.

Fuck you people who bring cameras to school and take pictures of people who don't want to be in a picture. If I wanted a picture of myself, either I'd take it, look in a yearbook, or look in a MIRROR.

Fuck you people who are completely devoid of common sense. There is nothing that bugs me more than someone who can't fucking figure out that even though it isn't written anywhere, there ARE standards and sort of rules that you half to live by. Don't defile peoples stuff. Don't mess with my food at lunch. And Lauren, DON'T THROW ANIMAL CRACKERS IN MY DRINK. Don't try to kick me in the nuts and then expect me to not kick you back. The fact you try to pull that makes me aware that you want to start something, so I'll kick you back. If you get mad at me for kicking you back, TOO BAD, you tried to kick me in the nuts.

Stop swearing so much in public. I swear a lot in my LiveJournal, but I can honestly say that I do it while sounding intelligent. You don't know how sick I am of hearing, "SHEEIT MAN, I FUCKING FUCKED THAT MOTHER FUCKING SHIT IN THE ASS BRO DAWG MOTHER FUCKER!" I can give you a dictionary if you're desperately in need one. Stop being STUPID.

I hate girls who scream really loud in the hallways. Just because you're wearing your favorite "I AM A BITCH AND I LIKE IT" or "DRAMA KWEEN" slutty shirt doesn't mean you're suddenly obligated to act as moronic as your clothing.

AND STOP WALKING SO SLOW IN THE HALLWAYS.

*pant pant*
Have a nice night.

This is a pretty long entry, so, yeah. The read might be fast, if you enjoy reading my writing. With that said...

Seems like it's been all-to long since I've felt, well, lousy. I guess the lack of updates proves that, and I'm sure all of you were happy to hear that...however...not like that matters much anymore, since I'm back where I started.

I do admit it's great to have my freedom back, now that I'm not on swimteam and I'm not in school any more. While we're on the subject...I do not miss swimming one bit...there was nothing good about the sport. I may end up quitting swimming permenantly, although then I'm stuck deciding what the hell I'm giong to do for exercise. I guess I'll figure it out eventually, or something. I've got enough time...I might even end up going back to swimming. As my current self, there's no way in hell I'm going to do that, but I might end up missing it. Emphasis on "might."

I'm not particularly aware of what's bothering me, but for those of you who actually read this stupid thing, I'm sure all of you know that knowing what is wrong with myself is rarely the case. So, like I always do, I'm just going to ramble on about what's on my mind.

I've been spending nearly all of my time at my house, inside. Alone, actually. And for whatever reason, it's what I prefer. I don't exactly know what it is about myself that makes it that I hardly ever want to hang out or do anything...I never used to think of myself as particularly anti-social, but the more I think about it, I may be. I spend my time alone in my house. When people do call and offer to hang out or something, I usually decline. There's something about getting up and being social that just does not sound like fun to me. When my parents or family members even come downstairs, it frustrates me, and when they make noise or stay down here, it makes me even more angry. I find small children annoying. I can't stand them. And the truth is because they're too happy...which is a sad fact to admit. You shouldn't dislike someone becaue they're too happy, but that's just how it goes. They're hyper, they're loud, they're just...annoying. It's not that I'm trying to act like this to follow a scene of some sort, because I don't, but they're just plain annoying.

I've talked to a few people about this whole anti-sociality issue I'm faced with, and it seems like everything that everybody has told me is that I'm "more mature than my peers." Okay, wonderful. So I've been given the gifts of intelligence and maturity, but these benefits have done nothing but be a burden to me. If it's knowledge and maturity you want, be aware that it will outcast you. The more I think about it, the more they might be correct, but who the hell am I to judge myself? If this is the case, maybe I'm better off a moron, like every other one of us stupid 15 year olds. Besides, stupidity seems rather popular these days.

I live in a stupid little High School world. I'm not even allowed to express any of these feelings to many people, because then you're stuck with the title "emo." Well, if you ask me, you can take that stupid title and shove it up your ass. If being a skeleton who has a stupid haircut and wears tight pants is my only justification to being unhappy, then I live in a sad, sad world. Morons.

I've been thinking about girls lately. Not really about a girl in particular, but about them in general. It seems like whenever I've been asked out, I've declined...which some of you may think is impressive for my age, but it doesn't really feel that great. I tell myself I'm waiting for a girl really special, but the older I get, the more it gets me thinking...whether or not that special girl even exists. Maybe I've just got my hopes too high and I'm setting myself up for a lot of girls being very angry at me, and myself left without a companion. I have met very few females who I've been really interested in. As an effect, it makes me come across as some asshole who just likes to turn down girls. I've really only fallen hard on one girl, but unfortunately, life likes to play around with me, and in the end it was all screwed up one way or another. Besides that, I always fall for women way too old for me. Wonderful. I suppose that goes on to prove everybodys, "you're more mature than your peers" shit.

I live in a stupid little High School world. I'm not even allowed to express any of these feelings to many people, because then you're stuck with the title "emo." Well, if you ask me, you can take that stupid title and shove it up your ass. If being a skeleton who has a stupid haircut and wears tight pants is my only justification to being unhappy, then I live in a sad, sad world. Morons.

Okay, I think that makes up for the lack of updates lately.
This post is public because I honestly don't care who reads it. Read your stupid little heart out.

Okay, here's how it's gonna go down. I want everybody here to comment on this entry, a lot. I want to get a grand total of 1337 comments on this entry.

Now go! My fate is in your hands.

Something that I made up, or at least think I made up.

In an anonymous comment, tell me your favorite, or one favorite, thing about me. Then post your least favorite thing about me. And last, give me some advice.

I guess you could say I'm curious.

I've been feeling especially down lately. I'm not completley sure why I am, but I have a few ideas. I'm not exactly where to start, so I'm just going to get talking.

School has been getting me down lately. My grades, specifically. My GPA isn't nearly as good as it should be, and I know I can make it up with hard work, but the work will be hard. The going will get tough...but right now, it's not going well. I have an extremely nervous feeling inside of me, and school is just a fraction of it. I don't know what's causing it, but it seems like there is some sort of grief looming around me at all times. My emotions are like a see-saw...they never seem to be consistent. Sometimes I just wish I could calm down and be happy. There has to be something out there that is the ying to my yang, something that will finally cure me of all this that I am feeling. My problems may sound shallow, and they do to me, too...but they don't feel shallow.

I've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I'm always dead tired in the morning, so I tell myself I need to get more sleep at night. However, it seems like night comes with something extra...something that just makes you think. I don't know what it is, but I have trouble sleeping at night, but not during the day. I think about things that vex me...school, people, my family. All of these things keep me awake at night, literally. The lack of sleep have been getting to me. It adds to the weight that is put on me as the day goes on...

We just got done with Spring Break, and I'm already wanting another break. Right now I just need some time to hibernate. Alone time, you could say. It makes me feel awful, though. There are people who care for me, and I realize it...somtimes I just forget. Maybe Jessie was right, maybe I'm just asking to be depressed. A conservative mind cannot bring change, and in this case, that's exactly what I'm being. I supose I'm just afraid of change. In all cases I've tried to step up, my defenses have been shattered and I ended up back where I started, but defeat can't stop me. I'm determined to fix myself, one way or another.

Question...
I've tried to start a conversation with my mom, in an attempt to tell her about my depression issues. All she ever does is quickly cast me aside and tells me it's hormones, and then the criticizes me if I make any further remarks. I need your advice...what should I do? Should I just go all out and tell her upfront? Or ease into it?

*sigh* It seems like the more answers you find, the more questions you ask. When one problem may seem solved, another one springs up. Is it possible to ever get rid of the anxieties? It's a never ending cycle. It makes me wonder, is it the hormones that are messing with my head? Or am I truly troubled?

There are so many things running through my head, yet I can't think of one more word to say.
There are so many emotions that are bursting out of me, yet I feel empty.
Until next time...

I haven't given you guys any classic Jeff conversations in a long time, so I've decided to take some time out and show you a wonderful conversation I had with a girl named Kirsten Bredsen. I not only shot down her biased views, but in her attempts to make herself feel more intelligent, it just resulted in her brain spontaneously combusting.

( the fun starts here )

I guess it's just the highschoolness of high school that gets on my nerves. To begin, people who walk really slow really get to me. I know some people think it's really cool to, y'know, sag their pants and walk real slow like...the kind of kid who looks like his ass was removed, or something. Not like I look, or anything, but it's pretty hard to miss. They think they look really hardcore when they walk like this, but to me it looks like they just got back from getting kicked in the nuts. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Another thing that bugs me is those kids who think they are really smart, but really aren't that smart at all. The kid in your class who, since he has glasses and is kind of scrawny, think's as if he's omnipotent, and that he could decimate you with mind bullets. Haha, honestly, do you have any of those kids in your class? I can't put my finger on it, but just the way they talk- they are really full of their intellect. This is just a generalization too, but they usually look really stupid when they run, and they usually wear their shorts really high in gym class. You ever notice that? They might end up being cool, if they would actually stop being so biased and just open up a little.

What also bugs me is those kids you always see in the hallways with their crappy, usually "death metal" music blasting, despite the rule that forbids mp3 players and the likes. They're usually wearing a band T-Shirt, but the band has to be realy shitty- like Rob Zombie, Slipknot, or any other annoying band of that genre. They're usually either really short with a lot of acne or really big and tough looking- but it's only because they try to look super pissed in the hallways. They probably think it's really extreme, but it's sort of irritating. Then they always see their friend, who is also wearing a shitty band T-Shirt, and yell some untangible viking speak, and then clonk heads, or something. Then they probably leave school grounds to go summon demons or smoke pot. Or summon demon pot. Or something.

Then there is your obligatory kid that wears those annoying polo shirts, with the gelled hair and the newly ironed khakis. They really aren't all that annoying, except for the fact that they always back up the hallway when they run into one of their Hollister-clad annoying girlfriends. Speaking of that, doesn't it annoy you when girls hug in the hallways and totally back up the whole line?

Thanks to you guys for being awesome, non-annoying friends.
And happy valentines day!

"Post anything you want about me, but post it anonymously. Post anything: a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, your opinion about me...anything, but be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Then put this in your own LJ so you can see what others have to say to you."

This is probably asking for trouble. Betcha' I'll get people like,
"UR SO UNF33LING! I hate U!"

No, really, it's going to stay Friends Only this time. Really, it will! Trust me.


But yeah, the usual. Comment if you want to be added. I'm not picky, especially when it comes to new people. You can check out my interests if you want to see the small amount of stuff that I added, though I'm particularly lazy and haven't added much more than that.


PS. I'm going to delete all of my friends off of my list, so respond back if you want to be added back. Just a little bit of a cleanup, you could say.